Amsterdam: The Red Light District

I promise you, I have a very unique tale to tell about my experience with the world-infamous Red Light District of Amsterdam!

It starts with my Dad and I looking for the Oude Kerke, an ancient cathedral that was somewhere at the north end of the area designated broadly as the Red Light District on our tourist map. My Dad says, “Well, your mother said we should go by here just for cultural reasons, so we might as well so we can say we did it.” Seeing as how it was only about four or five in the afternoon, and it stays light until after ten, I figured this might be a low traffic, low excitement visit. And indeed it was.

Here is the sum total of what I saw in the Red Light District: a sex toys shop or two, a video “cinema” or two, and four prostitutes behind the famous glass doors. Two of them were at best mildly (and I stress the word “mildly”) attractive, and two were downright ugly (and I stress the word “ugly”).  Like the details of a bad car wreck, I may never shake the image of the one dark, hair dyed multicolored, overweight older woman blowing kisses and waving at a blushing, short, round, bald passerby with an embarrassed elfin grin.

Yeah, I suppose that’s what you get on the early, early shift.  But that’s not why the story is unique. Later that night, back at the hotel, I wrote an email to my wife mentioning casually that we had been to the Red Light District and that there was nothing there worth, well, writing home about. So the next day I get a reply, not from my wife, but from our nine year old, Sofi, WRITTEN MOSTLY IN CAPITALS! Uh-oh, I thought already. Seems that Sofi read the email before my wife did. And, not knowing what the Amsterdam “Red Light District” is, she did what any clever, computer-literate nine year old would do.

She Googled it.

Hence, the REPLY IN MOSTLY CAPITALS.

It began with “HOW COULD YOU GO TO A PLACE LIKE THAT??!!” and ended with, “No wonder Mommy BLOWS UP at you sometimes!!!”

After getting over the shock, and mumbling something to myself about mothers and daughters, I was proud to reply back honestly that I hadn’t gone back that way since, had no plans to go back that way, and furthermore, I promised Sofi that I would NEVER, EVER go to a place like that again, on this trip or any other. I know, everyone is saying, “Sure, Professor.” And it’s true, I must admit, that I’m as human as the next guy. But there is something about promising your daughters that is like no other oath you could ever take. And since keeping this promise will ultimately benefit me more than anyone else, I think I shall take great pride in honoring this one.

So there. That’s a fairly different Red Light District experience, don’t you think?